QuadC Events – 2022

Events / By Danny Goh

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Prepare & Enrich Certification: 04 Jul 2022
Your Body Matters: The Spirituality of Physicality

I have been a member of a gym for some twelve years. It has 18 outlets/clubs all over our little island. I have been to nearly every one of these, according to my availability and convenience, to where I am and what is being offered (the group classes). I must say I am very impressed at the number going for their individual and/or group workouts. The classes are almost always full and there were a couple of times when I couldn’t even secure a locker or had to wait in line for the washroom. Our culture today places an incredible emphasis on health, diet, and fitness. And if you grew up with a religious background, you are probably familiar with the biblical principle that your body is the temple of God and ought to be treated with care (I will say more about this below). Yet most people today are still overweight and out of shape. We have heard about the dangers of tobacco, drugs and alcohol. Clearly, they are detrimental. But the failure to keep physically fit is perhaps our most blatant and recurrent sin against our bodies. In our pulpits and Christian Ed classes, we are taught about sexuality, adultery and lying, stealing, coveting and lust. But many who teach and preach against these things are visibly overweight or obese. I don’t say this to judge them – I struggle with the same thing; I often have to drag my feet to the gym. Many of us are concerned with health habits but sadly, live with constant sense of failure that we could be doing more about our weight. We fight against the self-defeating behaviours that make us gravitate towards the sweet, savoury and/or fast foods. The sobering truth is that none of us will be completely free of these struggles this side of heaven – but staying engaged in the battle will do tremendous things for our souls as well as for our physical health. Why do we need to be physically fit and be in good health? You probably know the answers. But some refreshing reminders (and new insights?) might hopefully offer you a fresh perspective and renewed motivation for making some changes. Many people address physical fitness for lesser reasons – to live longer (even though they may lack purpose and passion), to look younger (even though they are aging by the day), to look more attractive or appealing (the reason, I reckon, why many go to the gym), to enjoy physical health. These are some motivations the world clings to, and while they may have some merit, there is little of lasting value in them. The reason why you and I want to get in shape is not to impress anyone, not to make others feel inferior, not to demonstrate our personal discipline and self-control. The goal is in this pursuit is not sculpting thinner or more athletic-looking bodies but to cultivate stronger, well-nourished bodies that are primed to become, in the words of the apostle Paul, “instruments for special (noble) purposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work” (II Tim 2:21). Bodies are not ornaments but instruments, vessels set apart to serve the God who fashioned them. Paul was zealous to be made holy, useful to his master, and prepared to do any good work that he was willing, in his words, “to beat my body and make it my slave” (I Cor 9:27) towards that end. We have a body that not only contains a soul but affects the soul as well. All the proper doctrine in the world can’t save us from eating away our sensitivity to God’s presence and power or throwing away years of potential ministry if we wreck our heart’s physical home. For most of our lives we have emphasized growing our souls, not always realizing that a lack of physical discipline can undercut and even erode spiritual growth. There is, indeed, the spiritual and emotional stakes behind the very physical battle of eating and exercise. We are not souls who can neglect our physical beings. The apostle urges us to be holy in “both body and spirit” (I Cor 7:34). Holiness requires a totality of experience that includes our bodies. Further, he admonishes, “Do not let sin reign in your mortal body” (Rom 6:12). On the contrary, “Just as you used to offer yourselves as slaves to impurity, so now offer yourselves as slaves to righteousness leading to holiness (Rom 6:19). In II Cor 7:1, Paul teaches to “purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit” and in I Thess 4:4 and I Cor 6:20, “to control your own body in a way that is holy and honourable” and “honour God with your bodies.” We cannot be faithful believers if we ignore our bodies. Caring for our bodies is a way of honouring and loving God. Yes, of course, we would quote I Tim 4:8, where the apostle says, “For physical training is for some value, but godliness has value for all things.” But to say that spiritual fitness is more important isn’t to say that physical fitness doesn’t matter at all, or that it has no impact on godliness and spiritual fitness. A healthy, fit body is the most appropriate home for a vibrant spirit. Going to gym, swimming laps or doing Pilates won’t substitute for regular study, prayer and spiritual devotions, but taking off the shackles of laziness, overeating and the physical debilitation brought about by ignoring our physical fitness can set our souls on a course of pursuing God with a renewed vigour, earnestness and delight. To be fully alive, fully human, fully the people God created us to be, we have to care for our bodies, discipline them, and make them our servants in our service to God. For me, physical discipline is primarily about motivation. Most of us want to be healthier and know what to do to become so and to be better …
Parenting as Discipleship

The title of this Reflection may surprise some, especially parents. You may be wondering, “what on earth has parenting to do with discipleship?” We often associate discipleship with the Navigators, Campus Crusade or IDMC (Intentional Disciple-making Church), or think of it in terms of an older, mature Christian mentoring younger ones. The mission of many churches has discipleship as a key element. Mine (The Bible Church, Singapore) has it explicitly stated: To glorify God by being disciples in a disciple-making community of Jesus Christ. But parenting as discipleship? Hmm. Disciplining our children, certainly; but discipling them? What does it mean? How do I do that? The words, “disciple” and “discipline” stem from a common Latin root, discipulus, meaning “learner.” A world renown child psychologist, Bruno Bettelheim (Austrian-born American), underscores the theme of “learning through an intimate personal relationship.” In parent-child relationships, he argues: “discipline (an area many parents seek input in) should be understood not as punishment but as ‘teaching self-discipline, an internalization of values based on a relationship of discipleship. This kind of teaching is done by example, not by coercion or force.’” An implication is that parents who think of discipline in terms of punishment or behavioral control are focusing on primarily what the child is doing. The pragmatic goal is finding a way to stop the behavior. Parents who think in terms of discipleship, however, will focus more on what their child is learning in relationship to them. Thus, parents must learn to see the educative goal which underlies an externally-imposed discipline. Even if a disciplinary action gets children to comply, they may not have learned what parents would wish. For example, consider the father who shouts and sends his son to his room for hitting his baby sister. The immediate goal of stopping the hitting may be achieved, but what has the boy learned? The father probably wants his son to internalize the value that hitting is wrong. However, unless he intentionally considers how best to teach this lesson, the child may learn instead such lessons as, “It’s OK for dad to shout and be angry but not me,” or even, “he likes her better than me.” To put discipline in the discipleship context requires that parents thoughtfully consider what unintentional lessons their children are learning from them and how they might be more intentional about their teaching. A 2nd aspect of “parenting as discipleship” focuses on the aspect of modeling. This motif is appropriate in the light of the New Testament call for us to imitate Christ. Our Lord knew His disciples intimately, lived with their weaknesses and failures, and provided them with a living example of what He taught. Discipleship is not simply the reproduction of behaviors. It is the ordering of one’s entire life, and thus also one’s conduct, on the basis of a presupposed relationship. Bettelheim further states: “The idea of discipleship implies not just the learning of specific skills and facts but acquiring these from a master in whose image one wishes to form oneself because one admires this individual’s work and life. This usually involves sustained, close personal contact, one’s personality being formed under the impact of the other.” In the same way, children orient their lives according to deep personal relationships with their parents. In that context, they learn not only skills and facts, but behavioral limits, values, perceptions of self and others, and how to deal with emotions. Discipleship calls on parents to set the pace, knowing that our children are most likely to absorb the values they see lived out in our lives. We can teach them skills, but we need to show, not tell, when it comes to what we say is important. How can (intentional) learning and modeling take place? The simple (and yet not so simple!) answer is … making time for our children! There is just no cut to this. Speaking as a fellow-parent (not an expert), I cannot but reiterate that parenting is a process of a day-to-day interaction with our children. It has very little to do with techniques or methods or know-how. Here’s something to deliberate further from a favorite author of mine (Paul Tournier): “The time that a mother or even more so a father gives to his children – the walks he takes with them, the explanation he gives on nature, on his own life, his confidences – these are the priceless gifts whose memory forever remains engrained as the most beautiful of all childhood.” As a parent then, discipleship is not optional. Your children are your disciples, for better or for worse. You will teach, by word or example, through every interaction you have with them, whether you do so intentionally or not. Parenting as discipleship is also in the context of our discipleship to Christ. This is a humbling reminder that we must first be disciples of Christ, and that parenting is but a dim reflection of God’s (loving, yet firm) treatment of us. [PS: Not to worry – as a discipling parent you don’t have to wear baggy tunics and leather sandals (unless you want to!). You don’t have to trade in your MPV or SUV, Mers or Lexus for a pair of donkeys. Discipleship isn’t just for 1st century Christians of the Middle East. It is for high-tech urban and sub-urban families who have never seen a camel or a donkey!]
The Grace of God in Mid-life/Later-life Marriages

The “empty nest” syndrome is something that many of us are going through or will be going through in due time (sooner than you imagine!). It is that time when the child leaves home or no longer needs the parents as much (except when they run out of money and/or need some favors or ferrying around!). At such times mother often goes into “mourning” (without father realizing it!) and father realizes how shallow his relationship with his wife has become. He realizes the marriage has been on “automatic pilot,” and she begins to feel some negative effects from the one-sided emotional investment she has placed on the children. Looking at each other now, in the absence of their children, the husband and the wife start to falter or fail. They fail to stand on their own, in their horizontal relationship, because they have failed, for several (many?) years, to love one another face to face. The children become the “mediator” between the man and wife. When the mediator is removed, they have to look at each other directly. What they see now is not very likeable. What they see now is no longer buffered by the children. At this point, many issues and unhappiness, old wounds and conflicts get surfaced or resurfaced. Unfulfilled needs and expectations are presented and “demands” are made of each other. In other words, the “law” comes massively into play. By “law” I mean legalistic expectations of roles and rules that need to be accomplished, without which there is criticism, judgment, belittling, and even condemnation. To make it worse, from a Christian or theological point of view, the issue of original sin and of our old, carnal nature also reasserts itself in a new and ugly way. When combined with being legalistic and demanding, its sting (like that of a scorpion!) may be deadly for the marriage. It can leave a long-time marriage with a surprising lash. No one expects it – just as you do not expect that mid-lifers and elderly people can be as cruel and self-willed as younger people can be. And just as you are taken by surprise when you see radical sinfulness and ugly behaviors among older Christians, you do not expect marital sin in the 2nd, 3rd and 4th decade of their marriage. At this point you could criticize me by saying that this diagnosis is too dire, too bleak and pessimistic. You could say that by no means every couple experiences the absence of their children to this dark degree. You could add that many marriages do not contain the deep cracks that are revealed when the mediating factor of the children is pulled away. You could say my perception or theology and psychology is too negative. You may be right, and I hope I am wrong! I know many of your marriages are not like what is described – and I rejoice with that! But, and however, the disengagement and distance of couples who have to face one another across the table after years of relating through the third parties is, sadly and actually, very real and common. It is precisely at this point, in such a time like this, that God’s grace must be present. Unless grace and forgiveness are present, the marriage may well slide into a phase of increasing emotional disengagement and distance, despair, and even death. The word of grace to this period in marriage is as needed as in other points of need in the various phases and stages of marriage. The word has two parts: (1) Admission from the man and the woman that they are now in a new kind of glare that reveals the cracks in the foundation or in their marriage; and (2) admission of the forlornness (feelings of loneliness, unhappiness and abandonment) they may be experiencing because of the improperly weighted love for the children, of their failure to respond lovingly to each other’s needs and the “grief” of losing their children. Grace at this stage means learning to accept each other for who we are, with all our limitations and weaknesses. It includes a lot of tolerance, patience and forbearing, and the ability to continue to show kindness in the midst of coldness or apathy. Grace is learning to forgive each other’s follies and idiosyncrasies. Grace allows the completion of maternal (or paternal) mourning of the child’s leaving, and with a good measure of understanding and tangible comfort on the part of the spouse. Grace in this later or final period of marriage is letting your wife or your husband grow old. Men may resent their wife’s aging, even as they themselves age. And women may have to watch their men die, as it is a fact that the vast majority of women live longer than their men. I must add that besides exercising grace and forgiveness, the couple may still need the help of a marriage mentor or counsellor. It can be very difficult and delicate to work through all the years of accumulated unhappiness, baggage or resentment/bitterness. without the help of a caring and competent person. They may need to relearn the lost art of talking and listening or “how to talk so spouse will listen and listen so spouse will talk.” I hope you see the importance and need of grace – and go on your knees to ask for it. Without it we stand in the danger of being tempted and attacked, and in the danger a marital and personal crisis. Empirically speaking, every relationship carries the possibility of dissolution. This is no surprise from a Christian point of view. No marriage is immune. No marriage is magically protected from danger, crisis or tragedy. A song in the musical, A Little Night Music (1973), gives a portrait of marriage that is bleak. It portrays the slow, cumulative end to a superficial marriage. “Every day a little sting/In the heart and in the head./Every move and every breath,/And you hardly feel a thing,/Brings …
Pride & Low Self-esteem (III): A Psycho-spiritual Perspective

What is Self-Esteem? Self-esteem a complex idea, involving a global evaluation or judgment of one’s personal acceptability and worthiness to be loved, which carries with it pleasant or unpleasant feelings. It is strongly related to perceived views of the person by important others in his or her life. It is a way of experiencing a sense of security and is positively linked with good mental health and a well-adjusted personality. Albert Bandura (a social-learning psychologist) sees it from the standpoint of self-efficacy – a belief in oneself as being competent to master and exercise one’s ability or skills to control the environment, which he reckons as critical for good mental health. Problems arise when people view themselves as passive victims of environmental events and forces. Carl Rogers (a humanistic psychologist) views human beings as basically good when external pressures and mental conflicts that caused selfish behavior are removed; thus, self-esteem for him has to do with the relinquishing of the values of others and discovering that the underlying self that is both worthwhile and likeable. Basis of Self-esteem: How does a person gain his or her self-esteem? It could come from one’s pedigree – hereditary, social status, titles, recognition, and personal credentials. These play an important role. A simple and clear example is in common conversations of young children: “My daddy is more important than yours; he’s the manager of a bank,” “My mommy is the Principal of … (name of elite school).” A negative example could be that of Nazi Germany, who wanting to maintain racial purity, got rid of some six million Jews. Or, of the Apartheid regime in South Africa who looked down and badly treated the black Africans. Self-esteem is often anchored on the performance of roles – what do I do, my achievements and abilities, my curriculum vitae or resume. In the Bible, a clear example of one who gotten his self-worth and identity from that is the apostle Paul, before he was converted. He not only described his personal credentials from his pedigree, as “circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews … a Pharisee,” but his work performance, “as for zeal persecuting the church; as for legalistic righteousness, faultless.” (Philippians 3:5, 6). Self-esteem can also come from our investment in our social roles like that of a mother, student, teacher, coach or pastor. If you invest it highly on these roles, you will feel either, very happy if you succeed but conversely, very devastated if you fail. Women who invest all their time and efforts in their children can be extremely unhappy when their kids don’t do well in school or if they decide to leave home to live elsewhere. Men who devote themselves fully to their career may be unable to cope with redundancy or retrenchment. Students who placed all their eggs in the basket of a critical examination may end up wanting to commit suicide if they fail or fail to achieve what they (or, their parents) expect. In Carl Jung’s archetypes, he sees the “persona” as an inherited tendency to think and act in a certain (conforming) way that facilitates social acceptance and social integration. It is directly related to being “desirable” and “lovable,” and thus, appearances, sexuality, goodness, virtue and achievements are ways of earning love. If any of this is over-inflated, an unhealthy dependence upon it can result, e.g., a person is happy only if the part he is playing (parent, student, academic, athlete, pastor) is acceptable and reinforced by others. If self-esteem rests on the above (position, job, family, sociability, or other external factors) and if any of these is suddenly knocked out under them, chances are, they will feel depressed; their whole world may collapse. Both Carl Jung and Carl Rogers see role performance as a mask that does not truly reflect the real or whole self, and that true development can only take place when a person relinquishes his or her dependence on an “omni-competent persona.” Poor Self-esteem: Having a low or poor self-esteem essentially means that you feel badly about self, and see yourself as inferior, insignificant and of little worth. Such negative thoughts can lead to negative feelings which in turn can result in self-destructive behavior such as over-eating, abuse, promiscuity and even suicide. Montaigne (1533-1592) once said, “Of all our infirmities, the most savage is to despise our being.” Negative self-esteem can also cause mental-health problems such as anxiety disorders and depression and is associated with personality disorders (PD) such as Avoidant PD in which a person feels socially inept, generally incompetent, and find criticism and rejection almost impossible to cope with. As noted in the first article (Part I), it is also found in narcissism in which a person with a Narcissistic PD sees himself or herself as superior – as an extreme defense of or a compensation to a fragile self-esteem. Healthy Self-Esteem: In contrast with the above, people with good or healthy self-esteem are those who are comfortable with themselves. They are aware of and have a balanced view of themselves (their good and bad, strengths and limitations), are in touch with emotions, and take responsibility for own lives. They find joy and satisfaction in the simple pleasures of everyday life, enjoy their own company and are even able to laugh at themselves. They are also comfortable with others. How we feel of others is usually a consequence of way we feel about ourselves. We are to love neighbor as ourselves (Matthew 22:39). We tend to like, love, feel positively and trust others as we do so similarly for ourselves. We are able to form relationships that are lasting and satisfying, based on mutual sharing and self-revelation. We are also able to accept differences, respect others and feel and act responsibly towards them. The Biblical Basis of Self-esteem: The biblical basis of self-esteem fundamentally lies in three things: The 1st, in the fact that we are made …

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